[title from Sara Bareilles' Bright Lights and Cityscapes. Just go YouTube it and listen. Not sure why I chose it, but maybe you'll know when you hear it.]
Written mostly last night (additional edits added today):
tears included, no refunds or exchanges.
sometimes i feel like i take too much advantage of my family and the people that care about me. we went to a nice dinner for my aunt’s birthday tonight in downtown at a brazilian grill and my dad paid for this expensive buffet and meat rotation that the waiters cut from skewers… i probably had only the equivalent size of a 6-8 oz cup of any meats, 2 mid-sized trips to the buffet/salad bar thing and a brazilian guarana soda. (freakin’ $4.50 for a can!) over $50 later per meal… i had way less than everyone else from the meat rotation because only on a very rare occasion will i eat red meat, and most of the selection was different types of beef. in all honesty, i should have just had the salad bar buffet thing, but based on the description on the menu, i thought there would be a larger range of choices. over a $300 dinner for 4 people just doesn’t compute with what i actually consumed. i feel like i wasted a fair amount of my dad’s money, and while it was a family affair, i can’t help but feeling like i don’t deserve having that spent on me for something i really didn’t take part in. and these days at my job… i’m really not getting enough hours to live on. maybe that’s where this stems from- not being able to even support myself in the day-to-day life. if i can’t even pay all my bills and a damn parking ticket i got (parked in front of my own house!), how am i supposed to afford christmas gifts for my family? i’ve told my dad about my lack of hours, etc, and i’m looking for a new/additional job, but even if i got it tomorrow, it wouldn’t be in enough time for christmas. you know what he told me though? he offered to give me some money to buy gifts with. he has done so much for me already, and i’ve taken advantage of it… i can’t make him pay for his own christmas gifts. his reasoning is that he still wouldn’t know what they were. i just… after all i’ve taken from him, he still is so good me. i understand that i am his only daughter, but the amount that i’ve given him back in any way doesn’t even begin to reach even close to all he’s given me, given up for me. at least that’s how i’m seeing it now… with all the tragedy around the world this past week or two, i really can’t let myself take anything – anyONE, rather – for granted, or let myself take advantage of them… their generosity. and i know that sometimes it’s an act of good faith, or pure love, but even still. i’ve taken/accepted so much that i have to make it stop and reverse somewhere. and i’m choosing it to be here, for better or worse, i suppose… but i still have two hundred dollars sitting in my bank account now, that my dad put in my bank account this morning, that i can’t let go toward bills and living expenses. granted, it still wouldn’t be enough for that, but i can’t use it for that, because i know it’s for christmas and his love and generosity just destroys me sometimes. it’s like the tears don’t stop rolling because i can’t get over it. what do i possibly do to repay him for so much, for so long, and AFTER so long, for some things…? i just don’t know. let me just go cry about it some more and see if i can find any answers.
have a good night, loves…